I was feeling relatively better today. I thought, wow things seems to be changing for the better, I guess I will be able to go for the dinner later. I was thinking if i should go or not, but since it's probably gonna be the only time I see my friend for the last time before she flies off and since it's for her birthday, might as well make some effort, probably just try to control so they wont be so scared.

So as usual we were late and when I met them, guess what they started saying?
OH I dont want to fall sick.
Ok fine first time I let it pass as a joke. Then came the time when we were walking towards the restaurant. While walking there, I had no choice but to cough as I has phlegm in my throat thatonly started irritating me when I left the house. But with that cough, once again the same thing happened and they walked a distance from me. I pretended I didnt notice. Next when we were looking through the menu before seating into the restaurant, I suggested ordering the set menu to share and they were like 'are you kidding me?' Obviously I know my limits and by suggesting that, I meant that I would probably take food first and ensure I dont use my own culteries to take food. But hearing that kind of reaction was really quite a stab. My limit was reached when we were being seated and everyone was trying not to seat near me.

I got irritated and i just stood up saying that I can go back home. then they started saying they didn't mean it and stuff so I was like 'ok chill chill. celebration. chill.' But right after that they were whispering how they really dont wish to fall sick and stuff. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up. I said, 'Im going home.' They didn't want me to go off. But I inisisted on leaving. I walked out quickly and started tearing.

Weren't secondary school friends suppose to be the everlasting friendships? Why is it that I cant see that. It's only our 2nd year after we have graduated and this is what we have become. Catching up one like every 6 months. And when I am sick, the most you guys could care about is yourselves. So why did I bother thinking so much for you guys? Ensuring I had enough tissues so I dont have to cough/sneeze directly at you guys and taking my share of food first etc etc.

I was just really upset. I mean it's not like I chose to be sick, or that I like to go around infecting people with my germs. I already feel insecure about what others think about me when i sneeze and cough on my way there and i still have to face it directly with you guys. Can't you guys think for me? It's me facing 3 you know. Put yourselves in my shoes. Yes maybe you didn't mean it but try going through what I went through, everything that doesn't mean anything, means something to me.

These few days I have just been so alone and I though my friends would care for me, sadly, it was the total opposite. Afterall I guess what they say is true, family is more trustworthy than friends. Even though I told my sister I would be out for dinner, she still smsed me to ask if I wanted her to buy back any food.

After crying my eyes out in the toilet, I came out and looked into the mirrior. OMGGGGGG my eyes were so red and swollen. I hate it when I cry. Super cannot hide. Then I talked to Peter, forever, my most trustworthy crying bucket. Luckily he was free to just hear me out. Talked to him about the WHOLE thing while walking out of Square 2 head facing ground. Then went off to find for mel since she was around town cos I refused to go back with my 2 swollen eyes and risk having the same treatment.

It was a real emotional draining day for me.

OH and I HATE singtel for cancelling my callerid when I SPECIFICALLY said that I wanted it when I changed plan. Making me unable to reject calls today:( having to pick up every single damn call as I was crying.

Im sick. LIKE REALLY REALLY SICK. It kind of screws up my whole entire plan for this week. I can't do my rebonding, I probably cant appear for the gathering with my friends, I might not be able to work, I might not be able to go for class gathering, I dunno what is happening to me.

This is really scary. I've slept for 24 hours and I still dont feel well. My head hurts when I stand up, my butt aches when I sit up, My fever is coming and going, I feel dizzy when I stand up and i almost felt like vomiting. It is so terrifying I wanted to cry. I just prayed earnestly to HIM to settle my heart. The first time I am so reliant on my family. I sent a msg to my sister "Hurry up come back, I feel awful."

Lord just be with me. Im worried about myself and I know others are worried about me to. Please just take all the uncomfortable feelings away from me and heal me.

I haven't posted for the longest time. let me just say thestuff that i wanted to update but was really lazy to.

About a month plus a few days ago, I received a call. I was totally caught unaware. It was a sunday and I wasn't in church. WHICH I TATLLY OUGHT TO STOP DOING. I was watching shows on my computer when my phone rang. It was a number that i didn't know who it was from but i figured might be the office. So i picked it up.

*Hello, can i speak to Grace please*
*Uh huh*
*Is this Grace? Your dad wants to talk to you. Hold on for a while*

I stunned. TOTALLY STUNNED. my heart beat was beating so fast within the next 5 seconds while waiting for him to come to the phone. His first words, voice,it suddenly became real. How long has it been? He told me he had only 5 mins to talk. First thing that went through my mind was how on earth am i gonna last through the 5 mins?

He asked where I was, how I am, how i am with my family members,why I wasn't in church, if I received his letters, why I didn't reply them, how I and my sister look like now and if i could send him a letter and our pic. As much as he could, he spoke in english. Seeing how he was trying to express his concern in 5 mins for me, I teared. It was dumps period for me. Felt like no one cared for me. I was so alone. Just me, myself and I. But no, I forgot the Father that was always by my side no matter where i was and he reminded me that there will always be someone caring for me, even if he is not able to be by my side. After I ended the call, Ithroughly cried. It was too much emotional struggle for me.

It seems like it's a cycle.

Anyway,on that, was working for birthday party yesterday. 1 year old baby. Imagine the price. 4000 plus ok. And they called for another catering also. My goodness. The baby is so lucky. I wish i was her. To live in such a nice house, to have such nice cousins, to have such a great party at just 1 year of age.

Never had such a party. Not for my birthday.It was never a great highlight of the year for me with presents raining on me. Nope, never happened.

OH and I realised I really pretty pathetic being restricted by money time and time again. IT SUCKS BIG TIME. Im getting so so so so so so sick of it. SERIOUSLY. It's like playing a huge joke on me.

MONEYISSUCHANEVILTHING.