SCREW UP EMOTIONS

im so freaking screwed from the inside out.

emotionally unstable, unable to get a grip of my heart and mind and anger management are my BIGGEST flaws.

and the biggest BIGGEST is insecurity.

i doubt my own capabilities. i cannot control my mind. i seriously do not know what the hell happened to me. i can barely have a clear mind. be clear of what i need to do next and stuff. it's affecting me damn badly. at work, im just so slow. and everyone is just helping me, which makes it more obvious to me that im SLOW.

today's dinner was just not my best effort. i knew it. i could have done the dinner better. it's like i wonder was it my fault? but it's really hard to handle the new system of service with me being vip server. i can't leave the damn table. then when i have a troublesome 2nd table to take care of, i can't. and i get a guest angry cos i didn't get for her what she wanted.

everything was just hidden subconsiciously in my brain. it was screwed before it even started. and everything came pouring out when my agent called me. and just to note: my form of releasing stress is to cry or get angry. so i was angry with her cos she was practically forcing me to go work at novotell tmr just after i finally knocked of work.

i mean you tell me last min and expect me to work. i know i've always just like 'forget it lah. just go and work', always say i will set my foot down one day and not have such a soft heart but it never happened, until today. but i felt very bad after that. cos my tone was not good at all.



im just so sick and tired of myself.

i feel like im always an empty shell of skin. that's it. nothing worth to listen to. nothing worth to remember about, nothing worth to care about.

now i know how is it like to need HIM to be the light in my life.

so bring me back.