Today I set a new record.
that is according to my friend.

7th time he has seen me crying at work.
definitely not the most accurate.

Today was the WORST WORST case scenario.

Imagine, you're doing over-time with 2 angry people. FULL OF ANGER in their voice. Whatever that comes out of their mouth.

All that you are doing is focusing on your job. Doing things properly.

You decided to ask if the tablecloth should be changed to a bigger one, NOT FOR FUN, but because you know that the guy doing the table is a TAD bit fussy sometimes.

Someone else then comes along to answer your question, totally not taking your question seriously, thinking that you're asking a stupid question since the answer is so obvious.

BUT GUESS WHAT. In the end, the person doing the table STILL asked someone to get a big tablecloth for him.

THEN when that same person doing the table is done with the tablecloth, he shouts angrily around, asking for plates to set, but not going to find for it. Since no one actuallly moves off to bring it to him, you suddenly saw some plates at the bottom of the trolley and say "got got got", which was replied with a nasty smart alec answer of "God what God, God in heaven".

You then proceed to find for more plates since those weren't enough. you see your other friend getting a whole trolley of plates, but since the guy was so impatient for the plates, you decided to first bring out the number of plates needed by the guy so that he will not be that angry.

While bringing the plates in, the guy who thought that asking about the tablecloth was dumb, called you, to which you replied "shut up", and brought the plates to the table that needed it. He continued calling for you which you ignore.

The moment you place the plate on the table, the guy doing the table started shouting at you again as there were still a couple of tables which were still short of plates, asking why didn't you wait to bring out the rest.

You have reached your max already, finally bursting, saying " You wanted the plates right? I brought it for you! [Someone]'s still taking the rest!" banging the plates on the table. The guy then told you to set that table.

NEXT AFTER, the guy calling for you tried again, you just continued with your job.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN, he just SHOUTS your name as though you are in the army, insisting you listen to him when all he has done was call my name. Then going on to scolding me about no showing respect by answering him, how you think by not answering him is such a funny thing, like you are playing around.

Then finally shouting to ask " YOU WANT TO GO HOME IS IT?"

It has past your max of what you can hold inside of you, you give up trying to act strong, start tearing, and shouted back " I NEVER EVER THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. I WAS DOING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY. YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME, FINE, I'LL GO HOME NOW."

Then you just cried.

Obviously the person who cried was me.
It was TOTALLY unreasonable. ALL that I ever did was try to make everyone less angry, and then, I kena. Everything that i do at work, i take it seriously, it is YOU who always jokes around, expecting me to respond the same way as you. Since you like to think that i joke around, why not you just think that "shut up" was a joke? ALL BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN 2 WORD YOU SCOLD ME AND ACCUSE ME OF EVERYTHING I'M NOT?

Why not you reflect upon youself first. You are always so quick in letting your temper go.

Oh just a note. You know what that guy was calling me for, to eat the food he has kept for me in the store.

I mean THANKS, but you know something, i never asked for you to save food for me, and IF i am getting THIS for some measly food, PLEASE, i rather not have it at all.

YES SO YOU HAVE YOUR EGO AND FACE, how about me?



Don't even feel like going back to work already. Maybe this will mark the end of the longest job i've stayed put in.

OHHH crap. I've got a test later on which I totally did NOT study for cos i was working on the weekends.

OK that's just an excuse. I mean i'm pretty sure I could have studied if i really wanted to do well.
Nevermind. I'll just put in more effort to the next one and try to handle work, studies and church at the same time.

I just realised how long I've skipped church yesterday. Kaiann was asking for me at church yesterday.

SINCE WHEN DID THAT EVER HAPPEN.

It suddenly hit me hard that I have not been at church for a really long time.

I'LL BRING HIM COOKIES NEXT SUNDAY!!! PROMISE.

I just received the statement for my card and the record of my slashing. IT'S HORRENDOUS. TERRIBLE. I cannot do this anymore. I spent like 1800++ in like 2 and a half months. I honestly can't believe that i've become to this state.

I WILL SAVE MONEY. I have to. And get a new phone before the end of this semester. I hope it can really happen.

OHH and I must be able to help work and studies. I'm sure I can since so many people can do that. Just whether I put my heart into it.



BE ORGANISED. If not you'll screw up this semester AGAIN.
Which you cannot afford to.



UNDERSTAND?



yes.

I haven't updated in a super duper long time. Been pretty lazy and busy. HAHAH I know, I know. It's contridicting.

Well time passed pretty fast and my hols were just over in a blink of an eye. And now, into the 3rd week of school.

Soon enough, it'll be christmas then 2009.

Time passes SO quickly. I never imagined myself to be here now and who I am currently.


I've changed. And it's sad to say that it's not a change for the better, but for the worse.
Skipping church, not making that constant effort to work on friendship, swearing (only at work, thank goodness) and spending money like nobody's business.

I hate this me.

I feel like I've conformed to the world. I thought I could survive being MYSELF without HIM. But it turns out that I can't, and that I am weak.





I really really want to go back to the time I was close to my friends, close to HIM, with no worries at all. Back to when we finished Os.


There's this mask on my face.

Help me take it off.