OOPS blog rotting for a long time I see.

I just got the urge to blog now. At this odd timing cos I just finished worked and bathe finished. Waiting for my hair to dry. ANYWAY i just saw Mr Quek just now. He came as an award recipient for the POSB everyday champion awards ceremony. As usual, I was busy with my VIP since the president and minister of community development, youth and sports was both on my table. When I saw my coach, I wasn't shocked I guess, since it's not out of the ordinary for him to get an award but I felt happy. How weird. I was reminded of my old training days, though not SUPER long ago, but it's like i can never go back to it again. I miss the kind of belongingless i had, the kind of motivation i had, the kind of achievements and improvements in myself. All this was only possible with a team. Since I stopped training, all these disappeared, which was what my coach didn't want. It was suppose to stay to become a habit.

I actually miss him. HAHHAAH. it's not everyday you are coached by someone worth respecting. I miss how i will feel not up to his standard and making sure i reach it the next time. It was as though being kept tight under his reins. Didn't like it last time but now, without it, I MISS IT. Who would bother to keep you under tight reins?

MAN I SERIOUSLY NEED TO JOIN A SPORT CCA. Feel super directionless after school. It's like SLACK SLACK AND SLACK. Wouldn't mind if there was cross country but it'll never be the same as in MG.

I HATE HOW I'VE LOST CONTACT WITH EVERYONE. No longer know what to talk to them about and how to talk to them.

Im like in an alone mode.

ok BYE.

Ok I finally decided to get my lazy self to update my long dead blog. The only reason I'm doing this is because the stupid trial version of adobe is taking so long to download. I've been meaning to update my blog about alot alot alot of things. Just that I haven't got around to doing it.

Let me do what i meant to do.

CAMP:)
LOVED IT. My group wasn't so bad after all. We bonded really well. Didn't know why i was so scared before. Camp to me, personally was great cos it was really what I needed at that point of time, letting him be in control cos I no longer was no matter how hard I tried. HE worked his way, bringing me closer to friend I never knew how to. I'm really happy I made that effort to make the choice to go. Also, after camp, I got down to actually reading the bible reason being that I realise I don't know anything in the bible except bits and pieces and HAHAH ok Peter please don't kill me. Cos i told him how I couldn't find my bible and how I had camp coming up. HOW COULD I GO WITHOUT A BIBLE. Then met him a day before my camp to exchange christmas present and he got me a BIBLE. HAHAH but you know what. When i got back home, my mummy found me my bible. I haven't told Peter yet cos I felt so embarrassed. HAHAH so I'm doing it here. AHAHHAH SORRY. But it's because I feel bad that I decided to really use the bible he gave me. THANKS:)

CHRISTMAS:)
Christmas was okay I guess. Didn't get to meet up with MG clique though:( WE ARE DRIFTING APART. As the day passes I feel less MG-like. Had quite a few parties. It was the only time i felt like i was making full use of the dresses at home. Didn't get much presents i guess. OHWELLS. it happens all the time anyway.

2009:)
Was working on new years eve so I spent the 1st second of new year working. HAHAH but actually also not really lah. Cos we were all wishing each other happy new year. BUT GUESS WHAT. I'll forever remember this of 2009. I also spent the 1st second of new year holding my bladder. HAHAHAHA cos there were more things to be served up to the table, so I didn't dare to leave. The year just flew by so quickly lah. I still feel so new to poly man.

EIGHTEEN18
MY B'DAY:) Ok it wasn't such a big deal anyway. Didn't actually celebrate it. THANKS my poly clique for the GOLDEN BOOK OF COOKIES they got me. I'm gonna bake a bunch to give all the little kids in church. Then went out with Mel to have dinner at Pastamania and went to do mani and pedi. That was about it. NO CAKE:( and my relatives didn't celebrate for me also. I tell you it's because my nephew's b'day is so close to chirstmas that WE celebrate his b'day and they forget about mine:( OHWELLS. I'll forgive him on the account that he's cute.

OK BCS IS TOTALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES. What's this stupid webquest thing anyway. Can't they give us alonger time to do? SO FED UP NOW. Ruins my mood to blog.

Ever since that day, my mood was still pretty bad at work. not just particularly to that one guy but more generalised, to ANYONE that pisses me off and do no-brainer stuff.

I just can't help but keep thinking about how everyone leads a different lives, how uniquely all our lives have been planned out. All of the sudden, I kind of realise that I don't really know how to communicate with people. To be able to just talk about SOMETHING with a random friend. That feeling is irritating.

I feel so taken over at work also, like as though I'm useless. When I actually think back carefully about what I did at work, it's actually nothing much at all. I mean this is not the only time I thought so but it's just that now a days, with this girl that I'm suppose to teach her to serve the VIP table, it was as though i saw how lax my job is from another person's point of view.

I'M JUST USELESS.

USELESS LAZY ASSHOLE.

This whole post is just not making any sense.

Today I set a new record.
that is according to my friend.

7th time he has seen me crying at work.
definitely not the most accurate.

Today was the WORST WORST case scenario.

Imagine, you're doing over-time with 2 angry people. FULL OF ANGER in their voice. Whatever that comes out of their mouth.

All that you are doing is focusing on your job. Doing things properly.

You decided to ask if the tablecloth should be changed to a bigger one, NOT FOR FUN, but because you know that the guy doing the table is a TAD bit fussy sometimes.

Someone else then comes along to answer your question, totally not taking your question seriously, thinking that you're asking a stupid question since the answer is so obvious.

BUT GUESS WHAT. In the end, the person doing the table STILL asked someone to get a big tablecloth for him.

THEN when that same person doing the table is done with the tablecloth, he shouts angrily around, asking for plates to set, but not going to find for it. Since no one actuallly moves off to bring it to him, you suddenly saw some plates at the bottom of the trolley and say "got got got", which was replied with a nasty smart alec answer of "God what God, God in heaven".

You then proceed to find for more plates since those weren't enough. you see your other friend getting a whole trolley of plates, but since the guy was so impatient for the plates, you decided to first bring out the number of plates needed by the guy so that he will not be that angry.

While bringing the plates in, the guy who thought that asking about the tablecloth was dumb, called you, to which you replied "shut up", and brought the plates to the table that needed it. He continued calling for you which you ignore.

The moment you place the plate on the table, the guy doing the table started shouting at you again as there were still a couple of tables which were still short of plates, asking why didn't you wait to bring out the rest.

You have reached your max already, finally bursting, saying " You wanted the plates right? I brought it for you! [Someone]'s still taking the rest!" banging the plates on the table. The guy then told you to set that table.

NEXT AFTER, the guy calling for you tried again, you just continued with your job.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN, he just SHOUTS your name as though you are in the army, insisting you listen to him when all he has done was call my name. Then going on to scolding me about no showing respect by answering him, how you think by not answering him is such a funny thing, like you are playing around.

Then finally shouting to ask " YOU WANT TO GO HOME IS IT?"

It has past your max of what you can hold inside of you, you give up trying to act strong, start tearing, and shouted back " I NEVER EVER THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. I WAS DOING EVERYTHING SO SERIOUSLY. YOU WANT ME TO GO HOME, FINE, I'LL GO HOME NOW."

Then you just cried.

Obviously the person who cried was me.
It was TOTALLY unreasonable. ALL that I ever did was try to make everyone less angry, and then, I kena. Everything that i do at work, i take it seriously, it is YOU who always jokes around, expecting me to respond the same way as you. Since you like to think that i joke around, why not you just think that "shut up" was a joke? ALL BECAUSE OF THAT DAMN 2 WORD YOU SCOLD ME AND ACCUSE ME OF EVERYTHING I'M NOT?

Why not you reflect upon youself first. You are always so quick in letting your temper go.

Oh just a note. You know what that guy was calling me for, to eat the food he has kept for me in the store.

I mean THANKS, but you know something, i never asked for you to save food for me, and IF i am getting THIS for some measly food, PLEASE, i rather not have it at all.

YES SO YOU HAVE YOUR EGO AND FACE, how about me?



Don't even feel like going back to work already. Maybe this will mark the end of the longest job i've stayed put in.

OHHH crap. I've got a test later on which I totally did NOT study for cos i was working on the weekends.

OK that's just an excuse. I mean i'm pretty sure I could have studied if i really wanted to do well.
Nevermind. I'll just put in more effort to the next one and try to handle work, studies and church at the same time.

I just realised how long I've skipped church yesterday. Kaiann was asking for me at church yesterday.

SINCE WHEN DID THAT EVER HAPPEN.

It suddenly hit me hard that I have not been at church for a really long time.

I'LL BRING HIM COOKIES NEXT SUNDAY!!! PROMISE.

I just received the statement for my card and the record of my slashing. IT'S HORRENDOUS. TERRIBLE. I cannot do this anymore. I spent like 1800++ in like 2 and a half months. I honestly can't believe that i've become to this state.

I WILL SAVE MONEY. I have to. And get a new phone before the end of this semester. I hope it can really happen.

OHH and I must be able to help work and studies. I'm sure I can since so many people can do that. Just whether I put my heart into it.



BE ORGANISED. If not you'll screw up this semester AGAIN.
Which you cannot afford to.



UNDERSTAND?



yes.

I haven't updated in a super duper long time. Been pretty lazy and busy. HAHAH I know, I know. It's contridicting.

Well time passed pretty fast and my hols were just over in a blink of an eye. And now, into the 3rd week of school.

Soon enough, it'll be christmas then 2009.

Time passes SO quickly. I never imagined myself to be here now and who I am currently.


I've changed. And it's sad to say that it's not a change for the better, but for the worse.
Skipping church, not making that constant effort to work on friendship, swearing (only at work, thank goodness) and spending money like nobody's business.

I hate this me.

I feel like I've conformed to the world. I thought I could survive being MYSELF without HIM. But it turns out that I can't, and that I am weak.





I really really want to go back to the time I was close to my friends, close to HIM, with no worries at all. Back to when we finished Os.


There's this mask on my face.

Help me take it off.

emotional

work is terrible now. everyone is just emotional unstable. at least it's not just me now. my temper has such a short fuse now. im amazed at how the guuys at work can take it and not give me a tight slap in the face. HAHAH honestly. i think i deserve that.

can't wait for school to start! a bit stupid lah but school's quite fun lah. and you are actually busy doing work. but then i won't be able to work, then no extra money, then cannot shop :(

i just rebonded my hair ytd. it's soft rebonding so it's not ruler straight. I LOVE IT.

but my mum dont. i dont get why she's like this. she can never understand how it feels to have my hair. she takes it so lightly but she never ever went through it before. what does she know.

i don't know why my family is like this. no communication. no nothing.



ANYWAYS. i still love my hair. but i blew like 180. but the hair dresser is damn professional. I LOVE HIM. hahah his salon is good lor.

Ministry of Hair Spa. LOVE DON. hahah damn good.

NO WORK

following that damn asshole incident with my agent person, i officially have no more work until sat and sun. EVERYBODY ELSE IS WORKING THIS WHOLE WEEK LAH. im angry. i honestly am. why is she so petty. i wouldn't even know that im working on sat and sun if i didn't sms her to ask her about it.



OH ASSHOLE. im gonna be so broke. i need another job man.

f1 was fun and tiring. my timing was like 10 am to 2 am for all three days. barely slept inbetween but it ended off quite well and i didnt do anything stupid hahah. totally didn't know anything about f1 so no use being able to watch the race while i work. worked with a great bunch of people.

SCREW UP EMOTIONS

im so freaking screwed from the inside out.

emotionally unstable, unable to get a grip of my heart and mind and anger management are my BIGGEST flaws.

and the biggest BIGGEST is insecurity.

i doubt my own capabilities. i cannot control my mind. i seriously do not know what the hell happened to me. i can barely have a clear mind. be clear of what i need to do next and stuff. it's affecting me damn badly. at work, im just so slow. and everyone is just helping me, which makes it more obvious to me that im SLOW.

today's dinner was just not my best effort. i knew it. i could have done the dinner better. it's like i wonder was it my fault? but it's really hard to handle the new system of service with me being vip server. i can't leave the damn table. then when i have a troublesome 2nd table to take care of, i can't. and i get a guest angry cos i didn't get for her what she wanted.

everything was just hidden subconsiciously in my brain. it was screwed before it even started. and everything came pouring out when my agent called me. and just to note: my form of releasing stress is to cry or get angry. so i was angry with her cos she was practically forcing me to go work at novotell tmr just after i finally knocked of work.

i mean you tell me last min and expect me to work. i know i've always just like 'forget it lah. just go and work', always say i will set my foot down one day and not have such a soft heart but it never happened, until today. but i felt very bad after that. cos my tone was not good at all.



im just so sick and tired of myself.

i feel like im always an empty shell of skin. that's it. nothing worth to listen to. nothing worth to remember about, nothing worth to care about.

now i know how is it like to need HIM to be the light in my life.

so bring me back.

romantic marriage

I SO WANNA GET MARRIED!!!

hahah i just witness the most romantic wedding dinner totally top the one before(when the guy actually recorded all the messages btw them throughout their relationship) maybe cos i went through the whole solemnisation. it was like just pure blessing and love. it was so sweet. the guy prepared a song in secret and even created a distraction and got me to block incase the wife turned around.



this was the song that he sang. it was SO ROMANTIC CAN.

OHHH hahah and it doesn't hurt that there were so many cute guys. hahah rather than the usually mature business adults. there was one guy that was SO CUTE. i think the bride's brother. their family has good genes lah. all so good looking.

im updating so early cos i finished worked at 4.30 just now and by the time i finish washing up and stuff it's close to 7 already. and to keep me from sleeping and never waking up, i decided to use the computer. HAHAHA.

i love it when they play all the love songs in the ballroom when ther's no guest around. it's super nice. LOVE IT.

MOVIE NEED

DAMN it's been a long time since i've checked the movies. I SO WANNA WATCH 2 MOVIES.

make it happen & my sassy girl.

IM IN A MOVIE NEED. hhahahah

anyway didn't get to update about my funny day ytd. it's like as though ytd was like despo guy day. hahah for me at least.

i had a guest. EYEING me the whole time. i knew it but what can i do right. i was working. can't possibly shout STOP LOOKING AT ME. i wanted to. then he walked by me and touched my butt ok. ASSHOLE. but after that he left so i figured it's a one off thing and i probably will never see him again so might as well not kick up a fuss.

then. i had a guy, who was at the back doing the washing of plates and stuff. yes. hitting on me during work. i mean im like super used to this. but it felt weird cos the whole back area was small and it's not banquet, where there's hell lots of people. then he offered to send me home. HELL NO. it's just weird having people whom you're not close to, to send you home. you're like stuck with them for the whole trip and have to talk all the way, entertaining them.

then when i was on the way home, placing my uniform back, happens that a security guard was taking the life back down also and like randomly say that he'll send me back since he stay at jurong area also but he's working till 11. PHEW. then talked to me like we're CHUM CHUM. so i just played along. wanted to get away but HARD. then exchanged numbers and i went off. he's probably like 24/26? i think. HAHAHAH then after that when i was gonna bathe at like 12 plus, he called me and started talking a lot. WHICH I DONT LIKE. he's going to china like on sunday so he was saying he'll buy me stuff and whatever. plus clothes. OK. and not to mention he said he's ex-gf is like born in the same year as me also.
OK SO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY.
then he like indirectly asked me out to the movies but i just gave crap reasons.

hahahah BUT NOW I WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES. but with FRIENDS. real friends.

i hate the work environment sometimes. it's like what the hell happened to GOOD GUYS?

what an interesting day right?
NOOOOOO



MOVIE DATE ANYONE?

hey there

haven't been posting for a LONGGGG time. so i'll just make it up with a LONGGGG post.

have been thinking a lot the past few days.
BIG GOALS i must say that i've set for myself.

EARN LOTSA LOTSA LOTSA MONEY DURING THIS HOLS
get a 2nd part time job(pending)
save enough money to pay for a trip for my sis, mom and me to KL(even if it's just KL)
BUY AN ELECTRIC OVEN(so that i can bake lovely stuff for the children in church)

that's about all the new stuff with me. hahah

IT'S THE START OF HOLS
is it boring or is it just me.

OK I KNOW THE ANSWER. it's just me.

i am probably the ONLY one who is so boring. ytd was actually the last day of my exam at 1130. usually people go out right after that. but guess what? this boring person's life you're reading about went back home and used the computer from the time she reach home till 12.

i just want my work to start.

at least im getting money even if my life was a boring routine.

i just wonder. what have we(friends) turn out to be? alot of us don't even keep in contact. and when i actually take the first step out, our convo is just so shallow. i wished i was back to secondary school. i was alot closer to some friends. i had what i worked so hard for. my running. but i gave it up for Os and never made the effort to take it back again. which i kind of regret. when i was running, i think i was a better person. i wasn't so lazy, i worked hard to earn my progress, i was closer to GOD.

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH. i dunno if it's good of bad. but i know the world has separated me and GOD quite a bit. which is not good at all.

don't wanna grow up anymore. i see my uncle having problems cos he's retiring this year but wanna find another job so that there's still cash coming in. and my aunt(who's married to him) is just working part time also. i don't wanna end up like them. CAN'T I JUST MARRY A RICH GUY? i mean i worry about money from young. please dont let me worry about money when im old.

i cannot even imagine myself at like 25.it'll be damn sad if im not married by then. i'll be still working my ass off with no one to take care of me. HOW SAD.

OK COME ON MAN. IT'S THE HOLS.

CHEER UP

tired bug

i am SO reminded of why i ABSOLUTELY HATE working. i end up having tired bugs in me. even though i slept like close to 12 hours everday now. since there's no school. and i dont even do anything energy draining. I HATE THIS FEELING. im so tired everywhere. every single inch of my body.

DAMN IT

cont

OHH i forgot. what kinda made my day ytd was this cute guy! hahahha at work. but he wasn't like a part timer. he was with the florist people so didn't get the chance to like talk to him :( hahah but SO CUTE. hahah

work work

finally went to work like after dunno how long. too many things have changed. mainly people. banquet now is becoming more and more important. and i was pushed to do the chariman's table. which i didnt think i was up to. the chairman is very scary!!!!!!!! actually all serious business man and important people are. cos they socialise ALOT then when we, lowly servents, have to do all the menial things like clearing plates, which end up having to interrupt their very important conversations.

hate to do for these kind of events and kena the table that is all businessmen. it's nerve-rattling cos they can be happy at one moment then just because you wrong timing then very irritated with you. STRESSSSSS.

but prof Tommy Koh is one NICE man. i've only heard his name before and what a powerful person he was from my history teacher and it's no suprise. he is a man of character. no wonder he can go so far. probably the most polite person and full of just goodness in him. very cute. hahha cos he was the only person on the table to actually applause after the band played finish their piece. and it was sincere. could tell. and he talked to me. hahah im so honored. plus i think the sweetest part was when i saw him and his wife walking down the stairs going home. they were holding hands ok. SUCH A NICE GUY.

on the whole, i think yesterday was a pretty good day considering that the worst case senerio did not occur.

i pretty much improve a great lot on my 'public speaking' i guess. haha IM HAPPY :):):)

love is in the air, just not the kinda air around me

i just feel more lonely than ever with absolutely no direction and no one out there for me. im tired of this life.

post bbq with collegues

bbq wasnt like how i expected to be. i was like the guai-er ones. cos the rest smokes and drinks. YEA there were drinks. luckily i could escape it with excuse like UNDERAGE. they damn scary can. bring brandy, whiskey and vodka. if im not underage confirm force me to drink one lor.

so many things changed since the last time i've worked. now im really scared for sat. heard that for every little mistake they'll pick on you and DEMOTE you. WTH lah.

DEMOTE DEMOTE LAH. scared what scared. HUH! im sure i'll find another work place that values me more. HAHAHA

dunno lah. then today after meeting my collegue that i havent seen for like a really long time, i found out that she got together with this other collegue and broke up like after 4 months. and he was there at the bbq too. i didn't know what to say to comfort her lah.. just hear her speak lor. then she got drunk. and it was like damn out of control.

it was damn sad to see her in that state. it was so sad.
she was drunk when talking crap to my other friend then suddenly from the corner of her eye she was staring at the guy playing with this other girl and stopped talking immediately. after i found out the reason why she stopped talking, i quickly prompted to continue with her conversation. cos she doesn't want other people to know. and just quickly advised her to sit with her back facing the guy.

everyone seems to be moving along so quickly in life. what about me?
im still stuck in the same spot.

always so easily forgotten by people. i really wonder why sometimes.

was just reflected upon the journey home.
is my attitude really that bad? how am i as a person? why is it that i always get the feeling like people don't want to talk to me?

OK FULLSTOP.

YOU'RE THINKING TOO MUCH.

happy!

im so happy presentation is over! all my work was worth it man. hahha now comes the hardest part. trying to get myself to sit down and study. gonna study later in school. HOPEFULLY it's productive if not im like pretty dead for exams.

IM SO STUPID i even agreed to work on sat. that's like almost 2 days worth of studying gone cos i'll be so tired. should have just stood firm in my point of view where i don't want to work. i think they love to ask me to work cos they know i'll eventually say yes no matter what.

DARN. such a dumb stupid soft hearted person. get used.

GONNA HAVE A BBQ TONIGHT. with collegues!
OHHHH im like eating a hell lot less cos im so restricted by money. you totally cannot believe it. i skipp breakfast and dinner. sort of lah. cos my meals are at damn weird times. so i don't even know what to call them. I SAVED 2 DOLLAR YTD SOMEMORE. hahah first time even when im already eating so little.

NEED THE MONEY MAN :(